NEWS FLASH: Reechard Branson and I Are Joining Forces to Save France

You know, as a prominent member of the Wine Aristocracy, I get to hang with all sorts of Rich and Famous people. I like Tweeting them as it is much more efficient than having my girl call their girl. This Twitter thing is pretty useful: You know, I get dates, I connect with other rich, handsome and aristocratic people, but mostly, it makes it easy to shout out to all my mates- schedule and change appointments, and since thousands of people spend all day staring at my Twitter stream, I need to keep them entertained.

The morning after my dinner which, coincidentally was followed by le hot tub, followed by, well, some savaging, I hopped on le jet and went to see Reechard.

Of course, over lunch we talked le Polo and how we are primping our ponies for Palm Beach, we talked about the price of oil, and of course, about how Reechard plans on putting BA out of business.

Of course, I am far too erudite to talk about our business deal, or soil my claws selling le vin, but I know he got le message.

Next, I am going to ask 10 Downing, but I think I need to find just the right moment, as they still seem a bit piqued by my last request.

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Pardon My French, but you Look Familiar

Several months ago, a man dressed in black, knocked on zee door of Le Chateau. My manservant, Jacques, advised me that une Rosbif, named Andy was in the neighborhood, and wanted to speak with me.

Well after much polite Anglais-style chit chat, he said that he, a man from across the channel, wanted to make a fabulous cuvee with Moi. Of course, I told him that would not be possible. However after flashing a suitcase full of cash, charming smile and showing his dashing personality, I let him into le cellar.

Andy Baker, Le Grand Fromage of Virgin wines, it turns out, really knows his vin. And, I now get to take credit for what some will certainly consider, le best wine of le vintage in Le Languedoc.

I visited with quite a few people at Le Virgin wine tasting last month in Londres, and quite a few of the ladies have visited le Chateau since, but if we haven’t had a chance to parlez, then take a look at le video above.

If you want to buy a case of le most manifique wine made in Le Languedoc this century, please go here, if there is any left. Tell ‘em Beastie sent you.

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I Hate Halloween, But Here is a Recipe for a Perfect One

Back in the good old days, I used to go out on Halloween. These days, it’s just not safe for a creature like me and it’s not really my favorite holiday anymore. So, being the master chef that I am, I usually invite a fresh face over and enjoy their ‘company’ for dinner.

Having had years to perfect my recipe for Halloween success, I decided to share with you, my loyal reader, the seven steps par une parfait fete du Halloween.

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Saving France, it’s Your Civic Duty

Saving France because the French Can’t

France, once the cradle of European civilization. The country that put Romance into language, the creators of the finest food, wine, fashion, and culture- that which was the inspiration for all there is.

Once the Cradle of Civilization, Now a Basket Case

Where did we lose it? WWII shamed us. Was it our foray into Viet Nam? Is it our seemingly genetically encoded existential angst? Our ever increasing narcissism? Our long lunches? We have gone from the worlds largest economy to being not much larger than that of New Mexico.

No industry has been hurt more than le vin.

In 1920, the world population was 1.9 Billion, and France produced 61,861 million hectolitres of wine.

Currently, world population is 6.6 billion people, and France produces 43,000 million hectolitres of wine.

There are 165,000 hectares of grapes (equivalent to 80% of what is planted in California), being ripped out over the few couple of years. Le negoc du vin is going down le toilet.

I wouldn’t be asking you to help, if we could do it ourselves

So I realized that it would take someone like me, of my class, calibre, breed, sophistication, sex appeal, good looks, taste, wealth, generosity, distinction and virtue to reach out and offer my hand to my brothers. To lead my fellow countrymen out of the jungle of discontent and into the holy land of productive prosperity. Make them see the error of their ways and the possibility of what can be, if only they stop striking, put down their Gitanes, work longer hours, take shorter vacations, eat fewer baguettes avec le fromage, be nicer to tourists, and shower more often.

I need your help, the future glory of La France demands it! I ask that you simply leave a comment saying you want to save France, with your email and I will be in touch with the Saving France Rally and of course, le swag , etc.  Allons Enfants de la patrie! Mais oui!! Merci beaucoup.

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Rose Maceration Mastication

My beloved readers, I do not have to tell you that I have been around for a while and I have seen it all. Fellow winemakers here in Le Sud de France are tres furieux because Le EU (Now, THAT was a stupid idea, we should all be united as the FU) has decided to let winemakers make white wine and then add a drop of red, to get the pink colour that they want for le vin rose.

This process is not what I do at chez moi, but it has worked very well for le heathens at Gallo, Sutter Home and Jacobs Creek. So, if it makes us better able to compete with the cretins of the New World, then I am in favor. The big guys like Grands Chais will, I am sure, start making their version of le White Zinfandel.

My compatriots should not be so upset with this. If there is one thing that we have all learned, it is that quality, and style win out. If we continue to make our wines with authenticity, focusing on quality and being true to ourselves, then the change in the law doesn’t matter. It is about what we do for ourselves, our wines and our brands that makes them stand out in the global market. So, relaxing an arcane law that allows us, if we need, to be more competitive in the global market is a good thing. After all we don’t want the overlords controlling EVERYTHING we do, do we? Freedom from regulation will allow us all a greater ability to prosper.

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I Taste Le Berries

Jean-Charles, the sommelier in my local put on a little red wine tasting recently. Here are my comments. I see things in wine that no one else can.

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Pawning the Family Jewels

I am so sad, as I read about Le Mother Country descending to the ranks of places like America, Canada and heaven forbid, New Zealand. All of those culture-less savages live for today and have no respect for the future. They are the epitome of what is wrong with the third world: They have no industry left and just spend spend spend.

Not like France, we have industry: Le Vin! Le Foie Gras, Louis Vuitton and Hermes. Le Parfumers. We are the capital of all that is fine on this earth. But our government has been bailing our Le Fat Chats, and there is no money left to support our ridiculous, bloated, arcane, insular, confiscatory fabulous welfare statist social programs. Now there is no le dole money left so all my brethren in Paris and Cannes must now sell Le Petrus and Le Lafite and Le Mouton in order to pay the rent.

It is a sad day for France, it is a sad day for moi. But rest assured that as I single handedly save the French wine business, I pledge that we will soon have a chicken in every pot and a bottle of Romanee Conti on every table. Please, please, join me in saving Le Mother Country.

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I Love Bordeaux, too bad Mother Nature Doesn’t

You know I love all that is France. I love Paris in the Springtime, Val d’Isere in winter and Le Languedoc all year round. I also love Bordeaux. It is just unfortunate for them that the are located in such a rough and unwelcoming part of France. I guess it is better than Champagne, where it is so cold that they cannot ripen their grapes- but that is another story.

In any case, my countrymen in Bordeaux have sustained a bit of a natural disaster. I propose a moment of silence and I want them to know that we in Le Languedoc will set aside even more of our wine this year to ship over to them in tanks to make their vin a bit more, how do you say, agreeable.

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Murphy Goode In Shameless Marketing Stunt

Murphy Goode is one of the wineries that Le Maestro, Jess Jackson owns, in addition to Kendall Jackson, La Crema, Cambria, and a slew of others. In any case, these nitwits are doing a social media experiment by buying a blogger for a year and putting them up in a guest house on zee propriete.

When I talked to Jesse’s peeps at the last meeting of the International Society of Winery Big Wigs, they said that he was busy buying race horses, not bloggers. Anyway, everyone knows that no one reads blogs, and especially from Samoa County which I am informed is very close to Las Vegas – a place I DO want to go to.

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Claridges Is Fully Booked

I am thinking about returning to London. Next week is the London International Wine and Spirits Fair, and my assistant tells me that all the good hotels are chocka. Thankfully, the Lanesborough had one room left.

Returning to that horrible lovely place reminded me of my last trip, and the ride over to #10. I wonder how much they’ve raised duty this month?

RIght now, I am selling all the wine I can make to the Chinese, but I’ll go check out what’s happening in London, maybe the boys over at the COOP or Tesco will take me out to dinner?

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